Thinking a Thought I Don’t Want to Think
The thought was, “How am I going to get all this done in time.†I had to do two reports, reply to three emails, and call two people back to at least leave messages on their voicemail before I left work. It was going to be impossible, almost everyone but Tim, had already left and we were stuck at work. He worked in IT had his own problems to solve. I was frustrated and hit my fist on my desk. The thought popped back into my head and I refused to allow it into my consciousness. I tried to pretend like the thought never happened. It crept back in a few minutes later. I couldn’t ignore it any longer because I started to get worried. Hot flashes, frustration, squeezing my hands together, anger, I felt like crying. I was afraid to face the thought because I knew it would make my emotions run wild.
Then I ran to the bathroom, locked the door and laughed out loud, so Tim wouldn’t realize I was going crazy. I was laughing at my desperation and myself. I hated to disappoint my manager and co-workers, but it had to be done. I couldn’t get all the work done by the next morning. I had to go home and get a few hours rest. If they didn’t understand then they weren’t compassionate. They knew how hard I had been working and how much I had taken on to help out the company. I had to draw the line somewhere.
The thought was only a thought and therefore didn’t have any validity unless I let it. I could have let it sweep me away and freak me out or I could step back and enjoy the moment for what it was – a crazy, overpowering, and grand fireworks show in my body. By stepping back and looking at the situation from a fresh perspective the power of thought became weaker. All these feelings of inadequacy and fear were based on my perspective. My tiny little view, my small brain, my overworked body all had to be readjusted. There are only so many hours in the day that one man is capable of expelling energy before he falls apart.
I reached that point right before explosion and packed up my stuff for the night and was ready to see the disappointed faces the following day. I never saw their disappointed faces. When I arrived the next day they asked for the missing reports and I told them they weren’t done yet. They understood that I gave them everything that I accomplished and they were fine with that. They told me to get it to them as soon as I could.
All because of that one thought that I didn’t want to acknowledge and if I would have acknowledged it sooner I wouldn’t have been so close to a melt down. I would have been able to set my goals accordingly.
I need to keep reminding myself to do what is possible and to stop expecting more because it’s what prevents me from worrying too much to the point of making me feel stressed out.
