There comes a point in your life when you have to let go of what other people think of you and understand what fits you. Because there will be times when you won’t get the approval that you seek. Maybe your boss doesn’t notice how hard you work or your significant other doesn’t thank you when you need it most. That’s when you have to realize that you did a good job and that’s all you need.

I know that I still get caught up in getting approval from outside sources. I was in Yoga class a few months ago and we were all doing a shoulder stand. I wanted the teacher to commend me on staying up for a long time, which would mean that she thought I was strong. When she walked by and didn’t say anything I became upset. I was disappointed with her because I thought I had excellent form. I knew that I was excellent, but her silence whipped away my confidence. I wasn’t satisfied with my own approval; I needed an authority figure’s appreciation to solidify what I already knew.

Seeking other people’s approval is very natural because of the way we are raised. Parents teach us to seek their guidance because we can’t guide ourselves and that is okay when we are twelve-year-olds, but now that we are adults we need to break this pattern to get to the next level of our lives. I’m in my thirties now and I shouldn’t have to rely on others to feel like my life is heading in the right direction.

How do we overcome this internal struggle?

I used to think that I needed to figure out why I needed approval from others in order to break this cycle, but now I realize that this is false. I need to be able to accept approval from myself, instead of seeking it from others, and understand my true desires. After much soul searching I discovered that I was tired of letting others dictate my happiness.

Changing internal patterns isn’t easy because for most of us it’s our whole foundation. When you feel the need to break a habit you can’t just tell yourself to change, but you must instead take a small step towards improvement. When I first started personal development I always made the mistake of leaping for the goal instead of planning out my success. When you are able to envision an ultimate you, you can start your path toward self-enjoyment. See yourself in the future where all you need is your own approval. When you can imagine yourself successful in your future actions you have started your mind and body’s journey towards the intended direction.

I saw myself relaxed in a meeting and speaking with confidence. I also pictured myself sitting at my computer with a slight smile on my face like I understood the secret to life. By holding these visualizations in your head and making sure you understand what you want to accomplish, you have a better chance for achievement.

Next you must understand the purpose behind your actions. When you do a job at work, do you complete it for the money, your boss, or yourself? When you know where your motivation comes from you can begin to understand how to fit it into your life. I was unmotivated at my previous job because I felt that whatever I was doing was only for the good of the company. I saw all the money that was being made by the sales department and wanted to be making more myself. This only made me feel unappreciated. I was failing to see the larger picture. Management didn’t see any discrepancy in my salary compared to the sales people who worked less hours, so I could have chosen to stay mad and make a stink, which would have hurt my cause, or see my job from a fresh perspective. I liked my job well enough, but I wasn’t happy making less money because of my company’s stinginess. I’ve never been very money-oriented, but I realized that I do look for approval through money. I reviewed my goals at work. I came up with a two-pronged approach.

Instead of thinking about the projects that got accepted and acknowledged by my boss or co-workers, I decided to take the “Developing My Skills” angle. If I had to physically write out ten forms of two pages each by hand, it was a chance to work on my focus and penmanship. I’ve never been very good at staying in the moment of a repetitive task. It takes all my energy to complete a repetitive process and make as few mistakes as possible. If I had to make a telephone call it was a chance to use practice verbal skills by not using connective words like “and, um, and ah.” I began enjoying the challenge of the moment instead of always anticipating a disappointed boss.

There is a great story about a village of monks who worked and lived together. One monk named Hu was annoying and would irritate all the other monks in the village. One day a well-liked monk named Han was confronted by a group of monks who asked him if he would speak to the master and have Hu banished from the village, so they could live peacefully. Han reluctantly agreed because he knew his master rarely listened to requests. He decided to talk to his master because he knew life would be more enjoyable if Hu was gone. Han confronted his master after morning meditation and told the master that the other monks wanted to banish Hu from the village. The master asked him why. Han blurted out that Hu’s voice was irritating, he would ask too many questions, always needed help with all his tasks, and life would be so much better if Hu wasn’t able to live with them any longer. The master smiled at him and told him that his development wasn’t as far along as he thought it was and Hu needed to stay.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
- Carl Jung

My goals were extensive. I knew that I had to work on my internal joy before I was able to let go of exterior acceptance. Instead of trying to fix your circumstances by finding a solution, you can practice accepting your life for what it is and then using your positive thoughts to improve your perspective. The first thing I wanted to do was accept my job for what it was and understand that I wouldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I went home, updated my resume and sent it out to one company I most wanted to work for. When I knew that I wasn’t going to be at my job forever I was able to find the positives. I had freedom to take walk breaks; I walked in the morning and afternoon and it helped clear my head. When I was working at my computer I would focus on my breath, relaxing my facial muscles and feeling the present moment. When I was stuck in a meeting I treated it as a learning experience; I watched people’s body language, used a confident voice when I spoke, and relaxed my shoulder muscles. There was a chance to improve in every moment. It took a lot of work and time, but it changed my life. I began to feel comfortable with my job and the goals I created, not someone else’s.

When you are at your job do you try to exceed, meet, or under perform your company’s goals? In any of these circumstances you are basing your life off someone else’s expectations. Only you know how good you could be when you set your mind to a goal. The key is to create personal goals, separate from your boss’s expectations. The only person that will judge your goals is you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy other people’s compliments or goals if they are in-line with your way of thinking. If you set a goal to sell 1,000 units and you sell 1,500 units and your company congratulates you and gives you a bonus, then that’s awesome.

You have to take the time to understand your needs and desires and then work from there. I created a “Needs and Desires” list and figured out how I could make them goals. This helped me formulate a plan that allowed me to enjoy work in my own way and not because of some corporate purpose.

The power to enjoy everything is inside of you, and you can achieve it by making yourself the final judge of all your actions. Take the time to develop your “Self Acceptance Skills” and watch what happens.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 30th, 2007 at 8:33 pm and is filed under Motivation, Stress Management, confidence, enjoy everything.